romantic egotist

what was mistaken for closeness was just a case of mitosis.

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 17:54:51 GMT

When asked some friends, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SHOULD I MAKE FOR DINNER?" during a particularly heavy case of indecision, here is what they responded:

Ed: "Butter."

Alida: "YOUR FACE."

Alissa: "Jesus will satisfy you."

Y'all creep the shit out of me, you know that?

Here are some pictures!

Apartment Warmathon 2007

Why is Alida wearing my clothes? I DON'T KNOW.

Stats from the breathalyzer! Ed's BAC: .22%. Nic: .21%! Dave: .08%, THE NEXT FUCKING MORNING.

Also, this happened:

SUNSET SEASON OPENER 2007

Let's play steak!

n. j. l.

fourth fifths of the engineering team in car accident, much yelping.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 21:12:37 GMT

Seems I do all my writing in emails lately. Here's an excerpt.

HERE'S A STORY ABOUT THURSDAY.

We were driving back from lunch in Brad's car when this fuck made an unprotected left turn in front of us. All of sudden the car is filled with smoke and air bags and bad smelling stuff. Sam lost his shoe for a little bit.

We get out and we're in the middle of a fucking intersection. I swear to God, the first thing I remember was this woman driving by slowly, saying, "You guys were in an accident!"

THANK YOU, MISS HELPER PERSON.

The driver of the van was this fat guy wearing the tshirt of a really bad 80s Marvel comic (I instantly hated him even more for this) and when I asked him if he was okay, he covered his face with his hands and his first words were, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING." He was that guy.

How do these people find me?

He then told us this could not happen at a worse time and that he was moving to South Dakota next Tuesday. "Not anymore, you aren't", was my response.

Before we parted ways, I looked down at his stupid Marvel Comics tshirt, looked back up at him, and said "Secret Wars sucked, by the way."

May not mean much to you, but for me, it was for the win.

So we move the car to the side of the road and we're standing there while Brad talks to his insurance company. Then, this guy in a clip on suit and tie (yes, a clip on suit) walks up and says "You guys were in the accident?" and I look at the fucked up car and say, "Well, we were in that fucked up car."

He hands me a card that says "Enterprise Rent A Car, Branch Manager" and says,"If you guys need a rental, I'll hook you up."

You don't get to be Branch Manager for nothing, I guess.

The boss now won't let us drive anywhere.

Hope you're all well.

n.j.l.

everything he ever wrote was just a love letter in disguise.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 07:07:06 GMT

Issue 5 of Slash Magazine is on newstands 03.01.2007.

It's appropriately titled "The Comeback Issue".

It includes more drivel from this writer. A piece I wrote in 2005 that I really barely remember. But still!

BUY IT.

I'll be more frequent with output. I promise.

I still love you. Really, I do.

n j l.

The company bathroom.

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 23:42:59 GMT

Sitting on that toilet makes me uncomfortable.

i have known terror dizzy spells.

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 21:26:46 GMT

The Family Christmas photos, 2006.

These were taken earlier this month. I'm still incredibly amused by how impressively broken my dog looks in these photos. For serious, I can't stop giggling whenever I look at them.

Did I mention that I quit O'Reilly a few months ago? I get to have conversations like this now:

I'll attempt to entertain again soon, I promise.

n j l.

kksf 103.7

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 21:53:22 GMT

My father, a moment after he gets on the phone with my grandmother:

	"What? Jennie, it's not my birthday."

We're more than a little hungover here at Ventura Way.

My mom is now trying to explain to my dad how the fanny pack she got him for Christmas isn't really a fanny pack. He's holding the phone pretty far away from his ear now.

Merry Christmas.

nathan j laney.

you don't know how to work the intercom, do you, sir?

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 08:07:58 GMT

Thanks to the amazing wonderful mandaryn, I now have a phone again.

Everything is going to be fine.

Actually, no. I'm totally fucked.

Apparently my father joined livejournal?

LATER:

Thanks to _simstim_, I have now looked at his profile:

Can't make this shit up, people.

I don't know whether to be proud or panic or what.

n j l.

I HAVE NEEDS.

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 02:30:12 GMT

Anybody have an unlocked or Cingular locked cell phone they are not using that I can borrow and/or buy?

schweppes bitter lemon.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 03:24:13 GMT

Never tell grandma that you've not feeling well. Tylenol, seltzer water, and a thermometer appear out of NOWHERE. Fever: 101, but that's not the point.

I swear to god she's about to take me to the pediatrician.

What am I even doing home?

She automatically rounded it up to 102 when she called my mother, by the way.

the west coast delay.

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 20:20:16 GMT

When announcing my phone's death to my parents, I really did not expect them to use it as a forum to give me shit.

And that's not even the really disturbing thing about this. "May" be their son? WTF?

njl

it's raining in indian wells.

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 17:23:57 GMT

First instant message of the day.

Today's going to be a hoot.

::yawn::

the pyschology of it.

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 20:46:33 GMT

    <Tony> dick
    <Jay> WHAT

(... 10 minutes later ...)

    <Jay> no really
    <Jay> can I help you in some way
    <Jay> I'm all about helping

(... Tony says some stuff that Jay doesn't respond to ...)

(... one hour later ...)

    
    <Tony> dick
    <Jay> STOP SWEARING

(... Tony says some more stuff that Jay doesn't respond to ...)

(... two hours later ...)

    <Tony> what do you think?
    <Tony> dick
    <Jay> I'M BACK
    <Tony> i don't want to get too much into the psychology of it
    <Tony> but you go crazy for dick
    <Tony> it's the only way to get your attention

shot you down.

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 22:54:59 GMT

Today, after stopping next to my selected toll stall on the Richmond - San Rafael Bridge, I turned to the toll lady and said "Morning."

Today's toll lady looked just like Noted Crazy Person Voodoo Minerva from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

She eyed me and her only response was, "Boy."

I'm getting FasTrak, I swear.

n j l.

know your betters.

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 00:31:14 GMT

Mom's Birthday
2006.06.03

Grandpa told the story of Fat Irene. Don't ask.

Happy Birthday beeudoublez.

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 18:55:46 GMT

ENJOY SAN DIEGO YA BIG FLAMER.

There are no good pics of Nic and I.

See?

That's from the Sunset @ Stafford 2004.

Why would I even spread a photo like that around? But enough about me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASS HAT.

breakaway.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 21:22:02 GMT

This week, your local medical professional will tattoo little dots on my grandfather’s cancerous naughty bits.

Why?

So that during Chemo time fun time, they can find his cancerous naughty bits.

LITTLE DOTS.

WHISKY TANGO FOXTROT.

THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE.

Every time my mother gives me an update on these items I start a fight.

Why?

Because I tirelessly contend that these people who are IN CHARGE OF MY GRANDPARENTS HEALTH did not even go to medical school.

Mom doesn’t like that.

In other news, my cream cheese was frozen this morning.

Which do you think I’m more pissed about?

jay
gotta get away
living the same old shit
each and every damn day.

CHAMPAGNE AND DONUTS BITCHES.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 18:43:22 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY radhegovinda!

You're a good person.

you're what happens when two substances collide.

Fri, 26 May 2006 19:56:33 GMT

So my grandfather has the upcoming pleasure of going to chemotherapy five days a week. For something like three months.

OH THIS IS GREAT NEWS.

My grandmother was on the every other week plan for her chemotherapy. She pretty much failed chemo by almost dying.

So hopefully grandpa will fare better.

My grandmother has yet to retake her chemo, by the way. Her and I share a bond, because I never retook that art history class I failed.

Don’t you judge me.

jay
who feels alright
as long as something’s
happening.

sunday i am in a coma.

Fri, 12 May 2006 19:14:54 GMT

BIRTHDAY.

SATURDAY, MAY 13TH.

TEN PM.

CASANOVA LOUNGE ON VALENCIA.

BRING YOUR MOTHERS.

AND NURSES. WHOMEVER.

MUST I DO EVERYTHING.

Something more coherent later, etc.

I never commit on these things till last minute.

power out.

Fri, 12 May 2006 00:47:34 GMT

Yes!

It is my birthday this Saturday, May the thirteenth, two thousand of the six!

I pay no attention to these things.

There is nothing you can do about this, because I do what I want.

Yes, you and I are going to play together. You will make a margarita in my mouth.

Much like year the last, I do not know where.

OF COURSE YOU WILL BE AMONG THE FIRST TO KNOW.

FOR THE LOVE.

Bring your ATM card.

a pink slip for the whole family.

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 03:34:00 GMT

    MOM: Are you hungry?
    JAY: Not really.
    MOM: You're not hungry?
    JAY: Not really.
    MOM: How can you not want to eat?
    JAY: MY GOD.

Every time I come over, my mom lays out a fresh towel, a fresh washcloth, and a still boxed bar of soap.

Never mind the fact that I have not used a washcloth since- well, since I learned to wash myself. I bring this up almost every time.

Never mind the fact that there are already towels on the towel rack to fill the towel rack (it holds two towels). Never mind the fact that those towels are probably unused since the last time I was here.

My mother must have clean towels for her son!

Yes, I love my crazy mother. Yes, my family only gets odder the more stressed they are.

To quote my totem animal: I AM DEFINITELY FLIRTING WITH FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

n j l

tempting the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing.

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 22:49:25 GMT

    MOM: Is this my coffee?
    JAY: No, that's mine.
    MOM: Where is my coffee?
    JAY: I dumped it out.
    MOM: I was enjoying that coffee! Why did you dump it out?
    JAY: ... you left the house.
    MOM: That doesn't matter! I was enjoying my coffee!
    JAY: Yeah, but then you left the house. You drove away.
    MOM: Oh! Yeah, I see it now. You got coffee all over my dish towel!
    JAY: WHY IS THE DISH TOWEL IN THE SINK THEN
    MOM: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR DUMPING MY COFFEE.

My family is in the "information sharing" phase. They think that the more I know about my grandparents' cancers, the more- hell, I don't know what their intended result is. What happens is I start seriously thinking about calling my old bosom buddy named PANIC.

For my homecoming, my mother made Salsbury steak. I'm still not entirely sure you can legally make Salsbury steak. Swanson and seventeen other industrial frozen food manufacturers seem to have cornered the market on it. But, my genius mother, inspired by nothing in particular (but very possibly inspired by the salsbury steak I enjoyed as a boy when my grandmother was in the hospital for Other Illness #7), now makes salsbury steak on something like a quarterly basis.

So not only do I have to defend my grandparents against the cancer, I have to defend my mother against Industrial Food Assassins sent to make sure no natural salsbury steak ever gets cooked. These operatives have names like Hungry Man and Healthy Choice. Fuck you, it's my fantasy.

Even the choice Angus beef my mom is cooking is either really confused or really, really insulted. "Why me?" it wonders as it's covered with Cream of Whatever.

My family is a set of some of the most amazing Italian cooks I've ever been in a room with. But, Salsbury steak.

My mom puts the Cream of Whatever on the noodles she serves at the side, which results in this conversation:

    GRANDMA: Why did you put sauce on my noodles?
    MOM: It's good!
    GRANDMA: I don't like the sauce on my noodles!
    MOM: It's how the recipe says to serve it!
    JAY: THERE AIN'T NO RECIPE FOR THIS DISASTER.
    GRANDMA: I am old enough to be able to say that I do not want this sauce on my noodles.
    MOM: EAT.

I would like it on record that I've been saying shit like THERE AIN'T NO RECIPE FOR THIS DISASTER at the dinner table since I was like eight and that's like the only thing I can do at the dinner table that they don't react to.

Then my father calls me. Drunk. From South Carolina.

nathaniel j. laney.

love monkey.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 08:03:43 GMT

Barrel Tasting. Mairin's Parents. Other People.
2006.03.06

I can barely keep up with my life as far as updates go.

Also, does anybody know how to pack a bag? I need to pack clothes that basically will say, "I am someone I'm not." It's not that I want to do this, you understand. It's that where I'm going, that's just what you do.

It's L.A., people. Like the man said, it's the world's shortest joke. That's two letters and it's always funny.

nathaniel j laney

purple people eater.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 06:42:11 GMT

I did things and then put the results on the INTERWEBS!

And not a one of you fucks are surprised.

Studio Z and DNA Lounge.
2006.02.24.

Important news! My brain twinsie Ed has started an lj. Have you met this wonderful man? He says words! Add him. edq13 Here's a picture to convince you!

Okay, I'm going to stop. Sleep at this point is that distant uncle nobody talks to who is going to arrive way late to the family reunion to pooh on the kitchen counter and throws the family dog through the window.

Yeah, I don't go to family reunions anymore.

Because I have Ed. Okay, no, I'm lying there.

Seriously, your guess is as good as mine on this one. We'll leave these posts in the crock pot longer, we promise.

jay
who drives a
mercedes
beeeeeee.

bloody mary.

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 04:45:30 GMT

George and Lydia's
and
Moulton Studios
2006.02.19

Yes, I really am this far behind on pictures.

On this night, Nic and I went to Mel's at about 3 am. Girls from USC attempted to pick us up by sending Cokes over.

I didn't know you could even still do that.

A hint, ladies. You want me you buy me a fucking MILKSHAKE.

n j l